I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
