best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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