Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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