i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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