Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize