Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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