sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
