He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
