Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize