no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize