I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
