How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize