the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
