I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
