heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
