I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
