what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
