Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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