I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
