Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
