the condom got lost in my hair
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
