last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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