yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize