I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
