The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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