Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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