Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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