took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
4 words: hood of his car
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
