Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
