we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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