i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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