Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
