She is in my trunk
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
