is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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