i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
