____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
