Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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