I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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