We won't sleep together?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
