zippers are such a cool invention
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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