so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
