u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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