dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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