my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
