areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize