Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
