I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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