"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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