We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
