I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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