I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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