You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
