we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
this hospital has no fireball
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
