could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
