He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
