i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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